She Painted This for Me

by Vulfgang Rainstorme

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about

The debut recording of Vulfgang Rainstorme.
Written over a number of years, produced & recorded over the summer of 2016.

This work is not intended for sale & is currently a BandCamp exclusive release.

For all other projects & official releases, the music of Vulfgang Rainstorme can be found on most major digital platforms.

Direct link to purchase "A Yellow Spot", Vulfgang Rainstorme's second official release:
www.cdbaby.com/cd/vulfgangrainstorme

credits

released December 6, 2016

Written, performed, produced, arranged & engineering by Vulfgang Rainstorme

Album artwork by her; cover design & inspired concept by Vulfgang Rainstorme

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Vulfgang Rainstorme Newfoundland and Labrador

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Track Name: The Only One You'll Ever Have
It wasn't all black in the beginning
Dawn pink, saffron, lilac & azure
Primordial hiss filled velvet ears
All I heard was the bliss for years
Until the dog began to bark
Electric neon blood swelled in the gears
I gave it up to the dark

Feeling through an unlit hallway
The marginal presence of beauty
In the light underneath closed doors
My feet move faster, faster on the floor
My heart would tell me not stay
But I don't have it anymore
A door flies open & I hear her say

I'm the only one you'll ever want
In this life
The only one you'll ever have
Track Name: Red Shoe Diaries
Always in search of a hole to hide in
To escape from what we have & cherish what we want
We while our time away on Friday nights
Alone at 2:00 AM without any borders
Here, we don't have to feel the real heart
That beats pure & red & holds us deep & close
We just escape into our hole
A more arousing shade of red
Track Name: Let the Dog Bark
When I fall in love I tend to smoke a lot
I'd make a clever metaphor of cancer
To suggest how pure & healthy that my love is not
But I'm distracted every time I glance at her

When I look at her I see the only one
I light my cigarette off of her spark
It's strange how much she looks just like the last one
But when a dog sees what he wants he's going to bark

There's a proper metaphor for my love
Just think of a dog in a cage
Don't be nervous, he can't touch you
All he can do is bark; just let him bark

When I fall in love I don't just fall in love
I start to feel a kind of beautiful despair
I wanna communicate how perfect I believe she is
It's just unfortunate how much I also want to chew her underwear

Somebody told me I should write my feelings down for her—maybe sing them
As a better method to express them
I'll try my best with some clever metaphors
What's the worst thing that could happen?

Listen to me, honey,
My attraction to you is just so fierce
I almost don't want to spoil it with sex
I feel it wouldn't be enough
Sex is love between bodies
But for the mind, love is a hallway
To countless doors
To rooms that yawn forever–
To spaces that devour your entire being
& unfold it back unto itself
Like a pair of untouched hands
Offering a new & lovelier place to be

Though I do admit, I bet your tongue
Feels like electric neon glue
& I do admit, I'd like to run my fingers
Along the walls of your lovely hallway

She didn't respond
I guess she doesn't appreciate metaphors
Sometimes I think the only light in my life
Is my cigarette tip, glowing

& the only sound that reaches through the dark is ...

It's a sound I really can relate to
It may bother some people
But when I hear it I feel electric
So bold, so forward, so wanting

So honest, so plain, so effective

The thing about the dog's bark
Is that if you can't shut it up
You might as well give it up
Eventually,

You might as well give it up
Track Name: Mephedrone
I heard it was your birthday
So I got something for us to share
I know that we don't really know each other
But...

We really don't know each other but...
If we turn off the lights
I'll sing you some words
I'll call you my dream

As long as I can't see yours eyes
I can pretend that you're not her
I can pretend that you're the only one
I can pretend that you're not here

I often think about the ones I failed to love
This is everything I'm trying to leave behind
I'm tired of life feeling like a sucking black vacuum
It's about time life took on a more dreamlike quality

You seem like that dream to me
I hope you believe the things I say
I have no reason to try & fool you
I'm trying to be honest for the first time in my life

& this is what my honesty looks like
This is the dream we've both earned

What am I to your mind?
Do you imagine me in your sky?

This night has gifted me such precious memories
I'll look back & remember years from now
How that drop of your blood
Exploded like ... in my mouth

Let me be the only light in your life
Let my words linger & swirl
& be the only sound
That reaches through your night
Track Name: Where My Heart Went
You can't possibly know how badly I want you
You own me so completely
I believe you still have the heart I gave you
But don't correct me if I'm wrong

I've still got too much to give away
Please just take it all... all my affection
Even though we haven't spoken since that Sunday
All those years ago

You are an absolute dream
I see you so clearly with my eyes closed
But I'm not blind to all your real beauty
I open my eyes and there you are, a rose

I'm trying to find the right words
To make things how they were
I really don't know how our love
Became this unfortunate blur

There's a void formed where my heart was
& it's the shape of you
I just want to put you back in it
& erase my shade of blue

'Cause I cherish all the colours
That you brought into my world
& that's why I gave my heart to you
Completely unfurled

Maybe I'm expressing my emotions incorrectly
I always worry that I do that
Back when we speaking I wrote something down for you
But never said it

Maybe if you hear it now
You’ll understand me

When we're engaged in conversation
I can't help but feel connected
To something that goes beyond us
Yet it lives inside us all the time
Only we don't see it on a surface level
When we're talking there are things in my mind
That I've been holding there for so long & so deeply,
That have never been known by anybody but myself,
That I just want to pour out in front of you
Because I feel so safe in doing so
& the more we talk
The deeper the connection becomes rooted
I've never felt a connection so real to anyone
& to me that's what a soul mate ultimately is
Somebody that you come across, somehow
Who you feel that you have known for countless lifetimes
Yet at the same time there are still new things to share
& discover about each other & it just keeps going round & round
As the two of you are essentially one entity
Forever feeding & reproducing itself
Much like the earth itself
Which bounds our cycle

But now, sadly, ours is the greatest love story
Ever not written
& I don't know how to say goodbye
But I can't not try

Because you've ruined everything
& nothing is the same without you
& I can't even look at anyone else
Just knowing that you're out there

Can I at least get a high five for effort? ...
I figured you'd leave me hanging
Hey, by the way,
You’re still my favourite fantasy
Track Name: I Wanna Die Alone (With You)
Maybe sometimes nothing happens for a reason
I had decided I should be alone
Until something happened
When I looked further down the hallway

We're too perfect for each other
In all the darkest & most creepy ways
I can't believe that you've existed all this time
Sitting there alone in your self-loathing, just like me

But things are different for us now
We always find each other alone at 2:00 AM
This is where we share the bleakest things
The things we share with no one else

Like how we've grown bored with love & wanna die alone
But we don't like the ones who understand
You don't wanna be gotten & I get that
So I'll pretend that you're a mystery

You say there's a hole where your heart was
I know that pain–I'll change my shape to fill that void

You say when you die you wanna die alone
Well, hey, I wanna die alone, too
Together we can face the unknown, all alone
'Cause I wanna die alone with you

I've found solace in your solitude
You don't need to tell me more about yourself
'Cause I've gathered all I need to know
In the way you keep me at a distance

We'll just talk about how much we don't feel
For us it's so much easier
To romanticize the pain of longing
Through a veil of false intimacy

I see your pain & know how deep it runs
I see your feelings of detachment
From those who see your veil as flawless
Is a symptom of your self-destructive nature

I don't know if I've made it clear to you
No one knows your misery like I do

You say when you die you wanna die alone
Well, hey, I wanna die alone, too
You're just so deep & dark, baby, you're just like me
Please, let me share your nothingness
You say when you die you wanna die alone
Well, hey, I wanna die alone, too
Together we can share the unknown, all alone
'Cause I wanna die alone with you
Track Name: You Painted This
This is probably going to be
The most absurd letter you've ever received
But I've been working hard these last few years
Developing my music & art
I've written an album of songs
& I'd like to use the painting, that you made
Just before we severed our connection,
As the cover for the music
First of all, you need to understand,
There are no direct references
In the subject matter of the lyrics
To anything we shared
But the songs are real
& cover certain heavy things I've been through
You're a part of it
& to me the painting is a metaphor
For how you can affect people
& how they can affect you back
You can give your heart away
& find you're left with nothing
You can do things & just not know
How deeply you can alter someone
& in a strange way I feel like everyone
Who's ever known me like you did could have painted this

My lyrics are specific to the previous 5 years
Since we met & had our time
But they're about more than just our time
I have to admit that I learn my lessons the hard way
As the feelings that I've channeled
Really started out with you
Since I escaped from what I had
& cherished what I wanted
For the first time ever with you
I chose that, & I live with that
& I've thought about it a lot over these 5 years
I like to think I've learned something
I've stepped back & gained a perspective
That gave me proper inspiration
To write some songs
Maybe others can relate to desperation
As far as I'm concerned
The painting is a work of art
Without it my whole concept
Really falls apart
I wanna be honest
For the first time in my life
& I feel like this painting
Is what honesty looks like

The truth is everyone I've ever loved
I loved either incorrectly
Or had no right to love at all
I've learned that I'm a walking contradiction
Because after you I relived it again
& every single time I've lived it
I'm reminded of the night we took the drugs
& I got lost inside a void
Reminded everyday, in fact,
Because I still haven't come back from that
Even she noticed
The one that I was with & still am with as I write to you
I look at her now & see only a reflection
Of a version of myself I loathe so completely
& I don't know what to do
& you're the only one who ever really understood
So I'm writing all these songs
To girls I thought I loved
As a way to try & reconcile
& find some closure for myself
Through all these twisted variations
Actually, I can't tell if I'm writing
Only one song about many
Or many songs about only one

You know, maybe I didn't love them,
In fact, I know that I do
Or maybe I don't know what love is
I know I don't love you
But you're the only one I know
Who understands what love isn't
Sometimes I wonder if I just made myself love them
When I knew I shouldn't have
Because I'm addicted to desire
Like a dog who's spent too much time inside a cage
All he can do is bark
Sometimes I wonder how I can expect to find
Someone who’ll love me for me
When I don’t even really know yet
Who it is I want to be
I really do just wish I could stop dreaming

Someone's making noise across the hall
She just moved into apartment #9
I've lost my train of thought
& now I need a cigarette

P.S.
Please, don't respond to this
Track Name: Claw Marks on the Casket Interior
Why am I still so burdened with attachment to you
What the fuck's it going to take to be separate from you
You need this so much more than I need this
Don't you dare ask me for one last kiss

Listen,
I want there to be one island for you & one island for me
The wild winds are calling & I've got places to be
Our love is the raft that I'll leave on the shore in flames
& I hope you'll see the smoke spelling out your name

We both know I didn't really mean that, & I've resigned myself to this
The truth is no one else is ever going to love you the way I don't
But I'm too afraid that you can't live this life without me
So I'll hold your hand through this death, the only one we'll ever have

I never thought a simple blind date
Would lead to being buried alive
It's like we signed our lives away
But you're just lying there content
I reminisce my young romantic reverie of dying all alone
As you argue that my breath should fade in time with yours
This perfect casket that we share makes everybody jealous
I've become exhausted by my efforts to escape from it but

Maybe, at least, they'll all see the truth some day
If they ever dig us up & find the claw marks where I lay
Track Name: Step Out (& Stab It)
Like a hesitant brushstroke in a painting
By a damaged & indignant hand
We walk around so deep & dark
Because we're both the painting & the hand

We walk past the room where love is sleeping
To escape to the hole where we live
Sometimes we wonder what's worth really longing for
If love just makes us pensive

But when we wake we always
Set the dial for automatic requite
& always kiss you good morning
Always kiss you good night

But, I swear, tomorrow morning...

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab betrayal in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab temptation in the heart

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab searching in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab the colour red in the heart

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab unhealthy life decisions in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab that fucking dog in the throat

I’m gonna step out of the dark
& stab dreaming in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab my web of lies in the heart

We really could have been
What we should have been
But we lie, we take you for granted
& we don't deserve you in the least

I'm calling it now
I'll call you my dream
I'll flatter myself, somewhat,
With the thought that you hold the same fantasy

There's always going to be a part of me
That remembers what we had
It was weird & it was messy
& disappointing on a lot of levels

But it was unique & it was ours
We had something, honey, but now...

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab what we had in 3 different ways
Step out of the dark
Long, deep, & constantly

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab creepy desperation in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab self-destruction in the heart

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab narcissistic self-indulgence in the face
Step out of the dark
& stab your painting in the heart

I'm gonna step out of the dark
& stab all my corrupted love in the face
Step out of the dark
& promise to make things right between us

If not in this life,
Then maybe in the next